Wow, unexpected political news out of the UK this evening. It seems that, by decree of Queen Beyoncé and her husband, His Hovness, a new world leader has been chosen. We can call off the 2020 election, I guess, and however they go about choosing a new monarch in England (I’m fairly certain it’s through Britain’s Got Talent, but I haven’t finished the last season of The Crown so don’t quote me.)
— BRIT Awards (@BRITs) February 20, 2019
Appearing by video to accept Best International Group at the 2019 Brit Awards, Bey and Jay made a callback to their iconic Louvre-set video for “APES**T,” replacing the Mona Lisa with a portrait of Meghan Markle, world-famous star of Suits, in royal garb. No shade to DaVinci, but this is art, okay? I need this as a poster on my wall, as an iPhone case, as a temporary tattoo, and on the back of a church fan. Stat.
Just as Bey and Jay made a statement about centering black and brown artists and bodies in what we consider the canon, with their Mona modification they not so subtly told the British tabloids, that have mercilessly vilified the Duchess of Sussex, to take all the seats in the O2 Arena. In the video, the Markle painting stays in focus the entire time, while Bey and Jay appear slightly fuzzy. This is wild because, well, Beyoncé is Beyoncé. It’s literally impossible to pull focus from her. And yet!
Prior to this moment I didn’t even know I had strong feelings about tabloids and now I’m out in the streets shouting “Fake News (but like actually Fake News)!” and carrying a sign that reads “Justice for Jeff Bezos.” I’m about to renounce my U.S. citizenship (for many reasons) and move to England on a visa for the sole purpose of slowly but surely working my way up the British tabloid industry until I am finally at the top and I can destroy it from within. Like if Donald Trump starred in Newsies. But for a good cause! Nobody talks smack about America’s Princess and newly crowned Queen of the World, Meghan Markle.
Markle is currently stateside at a posh (look at me, I’m already turning British!) baby shower attended by Gayle King, Serena Williams, and Amal Clooney. Beyoncé, however, is not on the guest list which seems like an oversight considering Beyoncé has an open invitation to every social gathering, board meeting, cross-country manhunt, and Little League baseball game in the country. Every night at dinner I set a place for Beyoncé and leave the door unlocked, just in case she’s hungry for an authentic rustic Italian meal of DiGiorno’s pizza and Vegan Twizzlers.
I don’t want to make too big a deal out of this Markle coronation, but this is the best thing to happen to me, personally, in weeks and I have literally no connection to anyone in this video. I am still going to hang a painting of Meghan Markle in my home like some folks have White Jesus. I’m also going to hang a painting of this video across the room. It’s important to capture the moment. When Beyoncé says you’re also a queen, that’s pretty much a wrap on discussion, isn’t it? Honestly, it’s surprising that we let anyone but Beyoncé make decisions, but whatever. Abolish the electoral college and just text Beyoncé for her opinion every four years and then keep it moving. As was previously stated, we already have her 2020 opinion: an English-American collabo under Queen Meghan. It’s like Beyoncé guested on Rihanna’s song “Bad Bitch,” which was not released because the speaker technology does not yet exist to support the power of this union.
I feel like this video should be accompanied by some Lord of the Rings music and a cutaway shot of Elijah Wood crying with happiness. I feel like I should salute something, anything, right now. I feel so lucky to live at a time when, like a sequel to a Spin Doctors song, there are two Queens. All hail. Twice!